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KENTUCKY FUNDING DERBY: a $2 Billion Stakes Race by Craig Williams Now, due to the timing of the Supplemental Bill it was a real horse race to get it through the Senate. But Sen. McConnell won that race, and it is now in Conference and expected to become law perhaps next week. It was, and remains, a race worth running. Which reminds me that the Derby is coming up this weekend and so I'd like to wind up by keeping in the spirit of that race and the one recently won by Senator McConnell. Keeping in mind, of course that the Derby is a yearly event, sort of like the Defense Budget process--I offer you the following "Call of the Kentucky Funding Derby: A $2 Billion Stakes Race” [TRUMPET !!!] The horses are being loaded into the chute. On the rail is the Pentagon, the favorite in this year's event. Next to the Pentagon is Senator Mitch McConnell, representing the citizens of Kentucky, not a longshot by any means. (His experience, having run in so many Derbys over the years will serve him well, but it will still take a tremendous amount of focused effort for him to keep pace.) In the next four gates are: other members of the Kentucky's Washington D.C. Delegation; state and local officials; citizen groups; and CAC members. And next to them, in gate 7, the Army, in gate 8 the ACWA team and on the outside, Bechtel Parsons Blue Grass. (Who are more or less waiting to see who wins so they know what they are expected to do.) . . . The horses are at the gate . . . Annnnnnnnnnnd they're off . . . The Pentagon takes the lead out of the gate. . .I think, but with all the rhetorical and bureaucratic dust that always surrounds them, it's difficult to tell where the rest of the pack is at the start. But, wait . . . here comes the citizen groups, as we head into the first turn . . . it looks like they've managed to somehow clear the air so everyone can really see what's going on. As they round the first turn, the Pentagon is still in the lead, with the citizen groups, local and state elected officials, CAC Members and the KY Delegation bunched up right behind . . . The pace is nearly record setting. Senator McConnell seems to be holding back currently in sixth. (But, as he said before the race, the budget process is a long one and perhaps that's why he seems to be carefully pacing himself). As they come out of the first turn, it's the Pentagon still in the lead. (But acting peculiar, almost like they’re not sure which direction they should be going in.) . . .The "bunched group" appears to be closing the gap, all in second place and strangely enough running almost in unison . . . That puts McConnell moving up to third, with the Army, ACWA, Bechtel Parsons Blue Grass making up the remainder of the field, several lengths back. As we head down the back stretch McConnell is gaining ground. on the Pentagon and the bunched group of entries . . . He's moved to the inside--of course. (You might say he's got the ‘inside track.) As they head into the far turn it's McConnell breaking to the inside moving through what appears to be a path cleared by the citizen groups and local elected officials. (It's almost as if they want him to take the lead.) . . . The Pentagon has dropped back to second and once again seems enveloped in a cloud of obfuscation and double talk. As they come around the club house turn the Pentagon appears to have gained ground, moving up into a tie for second place with the citizen groups and local politicians. (Who once again manage to clear the air so we can follow the race.) And here we come . . . down the back stretch . . . It's McConnell in the lead. (To the cheers of his constituents in the stands.) McConnell uses some legislative language and straight shooting memos to the Pentagon as his whip to lengthen his lead. (Oh, I forgot. . .he IS the Whip.) The ACWA team along with Bechtel Parsons have stopped along the back stretch and are watching intensely as McConnell and the Pentagon battle it out towards the finish line. McConnell seems to be pulling away . . . His lead increasing with every stride. The crowd is cheering him on as is (strangely enough) the rest of the field . . . In fact it seems like the local groups and elected officials have slowed their pace, as if they realize if McConnell wins, they win too. And . . . It's a two horse race . . . And although the Pentagon is big and powerful, it certainly appears they are no match for McConnell as we approach the final furlongs. It's McConnell now in a commanding lead as we head to the wire . . . The Pentagon appears to have run out of steam (and excuses) and is slowing down noticeably . . . It also appears that they are changing their colors (and their tune) recognizing that McConnell will cross the finish line the winner. As we head to the wire it's McConnell all the way . . . It's Senator McConnell by 15 lengths going away . . . Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the winner of the 2005 Kentucky Funding Derby, Senator Mitch McConnell. [PRESENT THE ROSES!!] |