Birmingham Free Press
September, 2003

The Burning of the Witch of Sarin

The Witch of Sarin casts her shadow over the people of west Anniston. Her very
existence is a constant threat, every flash of lightning bringing terror and
fear to those who live near her. Yet the shrill calls from the Powers That Be
(PTB) to “BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH OF SARIN!” have sent
the locals into near hysteria. What if she escapes in the air? The slightest drop of her
essence is enough to kill a person, who knows what horrors may be inflicted
over time even if death is not imminent?  
 
The PTB have guaranteed a Maximum Protection package to safeguard the wary
populace against the worst that the Witch of Sarin has to offer and as the
box arrived by mail the people anxiously grasped this magical safety box to
find what wonders of science are at their disposal that can protect them from
such a horrible fate. Their faces turned to horror as all they find is
plastic wrap, duct tape and scissors. "This is our Maximum Protection?????"
The people begin to panic, they call their leaders, they protest, they talk
to anyone who will listen but all they get back are louder calls to “BURN THE
WITCH”. However the PTB was not totally deaf to their calls, and
magnanimously offered an even greater protection, each person was offered
their very own Gas Mask and Hood!!!! But they had to fill out a bunch of
paperwork to make sure they were qualified and do the bureaucratic shuffle.
Excitedly, they lined up for their ¥one size fits all° gas mask and hood,
only to be crestfallen again when they found out that all they got was a
plastic bag with a filter attached. Even worse, it will only work ONCE and
then it is garbage. What if there were two emergencies in one day? Or two in
one week? Would they have to go through the bureaucratic shuffle every time
they needed a new one? How long would it take to get another one? Will there
be enough in stock? The fear became so thick as to almost paralyze. Again the
PTB, in soothing tones, guaranteed that their schools and public places would
be “sealed and protected as airtight as a mausoleum” should the witch escape.
Which begged the question... how do you know if the Witch of Sarin has
escaped? The PTB smirked and yapped jargonomically about their safety
procedures and how they can verify an escape of the Witch's essence within 15
minutes! As the  ocificated blank stares of the citizenry twinkled and
processed, a small voice from the back of the room peeped a slight protest:
“... but the witch can overtake our neighborhoods in less than a minute, or
14 minutes before you can verify she has escaped...”
 
Couldn't you just throw water on her like the Wicked Witch of the West?” the
smallest of the small voice intoned. This awoke the masses from their
stupification. “Of Course” they yelped, ¥this works so cleanly and safely and
leaves only a puddle to clean° and they began to sing and dance “We no want
no stinkin' incineration, melt the Witch with water neutralization”. Hope and
the possibility of safely freeing the town from the deadly grasp of the Witch
of Sarin began to filter through the masses and the graying faces began to
purse a smile. A solution has been found and it is safer and cheaper and the
moods lifted as the people rejoiced until they looked back at the dull, flat
shark eyes of the PTB. “This is not your choice” monotoned the teletype voice
of the automaton. “The Witch must be BURNED and she must be burned NOW!!!!”
and the PTB stormed out of the room and rushed the witch to the stake and lit
the fire.
 
And the people of West Anniston did not have their schools and public places
“sealed and protected as airtight as a mausoleum”.... And many of the people
of West Anniston who were qualified by the bureaucratizies did not have their
single use plastic bag with a filter attached ... And the citizenry of West
Anniston had to face the ugly spectre of the Witch of Sarin armed with only
plastic wrap and duct tape, knowing that they won't know when the witch has
escaped until 14 minutes after she has harmed them. For it is then and only
then, 14 minutes after it is too late, that the alarms will go off to warn
this town of multipeoples that they must construct their barriers of plastic
wrap, put on their plastic baggie protective hood if they have one (and have
never used it), enter into the closest mausoleum and turn on the anti-air
devices if such things are ever to be built and enjoy the safety of knowing
that they might have been able to have escaped the evildoingness of the Witch
of Sarin.
 
Based on a true story
SI Reasoning
author of “The Anniston House of Horrors”
si@choosepeace.info